conscience
Thrill and Temptation part II
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | analysis | No Comments
So, back to the flirting-almost-cheating subject. Where were we? Yes, The Spell… It just works great and it adds some interest to even the most ordinary life. After all, that’s the thing box office hits are made of. And although it sounds really interesting as a story, it doesn’t take a genius to realize nobody can go on like this too long. It comes a moment when it’s either black, either white. Or red.
Because almost-sexual relationships always come to a turning point. There ain’t such a thing as keeping them safe and private forever. It’s the same as in physics: the tension between point A and point B won’t manage to grow and grow without some discharge, sooner or later, stronger or milder. A lightning, maybe, if we’re charged enough.
Real world seems to be having some rules when it comes to any knowable, existing stuff. You can say: “ok, nice chatting, but there’s somebody waiting for me at home whom I really love.” and end it right there, or at least end the temptation and sentence future guilty excitement to death. When you have something really great with a significant other, you simply know it. Grass may seem greener on the other side, but, no, error, it ain’t. Love is what makes the world go round, and loved ones deserve our loyalty and respect. Or you can find yourself in the position to understand that you were not having the relationship you desired, that you were not in love or that you were wasting your time on something dead and dry. Here, temptation is useful and it helps you find your freedom. You may try giving up your current lover and start seeing your “temptation”, or you can just leave your relationship and go looking for your great, precious self instead. That would be totally worthed. Thrill and temptation are prone to bring good things in one’s life, but it takes some lucidity and some management skills to make it work. When it does, it’s great.
Two more possible situations may the victim of temptation encounter, not out of her will, but lack of. The temptation may turn into an affair, while the lying and cheating gets serious. It’s more than difficult to be involved with two people at once, and one would make a big mistake in offering herself as subject of this emotional torture. You will loose something anyway, at some point, and it may hurt a thousand times more. Same goes for trying to escape the decision, and pretend not to see what’s going on, while continuing with the flirting thing after it has already shown obvious signs of becoming dangerous. Duplicity hurts. Lies hurt. And there are two, wait, no, three people you have to show respect to in this story: your lover, your “temptation”, and yourself.
As for my dear old friend I was telling you about, she somehow managed to keep the thrill and throw away the temptation. I guess she realised it wasn’t quite worthed, and I also believe that, having gone through this, the overall relationship with her boyfriend actually improved. There are moments when you need to get on the edge in order to better see what you’ve got and what you could loose. And these are the very moments when you start loving more.
Thrill and Temptation part I
Thursday, September 4th, 2008 | analysis | No Comments
It came as a surprise for me some years ago, when a dear friend of mine, extremely in love with her significant other, confessed she was being strongly led into temptation by a new, rather insipid acquaintance. Her boyfriend was out of town for the summer, and we all know how summer is… However, during a long period of time, there had never been a more faithful, reliable and wife-material girl than her. So, what the hell was going on?
Women don’t have the huge amount of hormones that awards the hunter title to basically normal, even bourgeois men. Women are genetically programmed to look for stability. And same blah-blah goes on and on. After all, there’s Penelope who’s continuously waiting for Ulysses, and not the other way around.
But as the main essence of femininity is contradiction, we find a donna mobile next to every Penelope, and, needless to say, even beyond the latter’s one endurable figure. A wandering eye or a wandering mind are both rooted in the oh very special, heartbeat-fastener thrill of new, unknown, unconquered territories. Especially when you’ve spent ages being a good girl, dangerous, mind-twisting affairs appear infinitely appealing. Sometimes it even doesn’t take a lot of looks or brains to make you click, just a fairly reasonable average subject and a moody overall period. Or some feeling-lonely time. Or neglectfulness. And as you find yourself getting closer and closer to the common sense borderline between flirt and guilt, you start admitting it is interesting. The whole situation becomes more and more movie-like or novel-like, and you start getting all the attention, compliments and whatever-else you were lacking lately. Plus the thrill. Double thrill, actually: it’s new, it’s unknown and it’s forbidden.
Quite a spell, right? Enough to make your knees shake, at least. But beyond it, the big picture of what you really want and feel is totally different. See now what I mean? Trouble.
[to be continued...]
Innocence and when does it fail
Monday, July 28th, 2008 | analysis, mythical | No Comments
Innocence. I truly, madly, deeply want to talk about this. We tend to consider innocence as some angelic phase in somebody’s evolution. So appealing, that we even want and try to prolong it.
Children are innocent, and this is because of their immense ignorance. Even though thinking of childhood fills me with a peace that is older than me, I don’t remember my childhood as being serene. I was a happy child, having all I could possibly need, but my life was full of internal conflicts, of questions, of contradictions, of small-sized dramas that meant the world to me. I had absolutely no responsibility, so I was innocent. I knew nothing, and my ignorance was preserving and protecting my innocence. I was not good, as I didn’t knew what good actually was. I was simple, instinctual, selfish, narcissistic. And that was natural, I was a child. However, my continuous struggle for knowledge, my growth, and each new everyday experience tore my innocence to pieces and that was exactly what had to happen. Being innocent I wasn’t at all pure, cause no efforts were made from my part to achieve anything. Being innocent was no quality, but the lack of them, my mind was like the fertile ground waiting for its seeds.
Innocence was from heaven, because was the one and only remainder of the prenatal state. It kept me close to heaven, but that heaven was one of the unconscious, while reaching out for reality was tough and painful. Still, if I was to grow up and become a real humane being, my conscience had to grow too. There was no room there for denial, I simply had to leave that sweet, warm heaven and face the world, my whole being was urging me to this.
When now, as an adult, I try to speak up and talk about my innocence, I’m usually wrong, and I only do it out of cowardice. I try to escape responsibility, and this, my friends, is no longer possible. I try to limit my consciousness, and that makes a part of me wanting to scream out loud the truth, the whole truth. I try to pretend that I’m ignorant about one thing or another, but I keep forgetting that, now, I’m the one to blame for this. That’s because I’m not a child anymore and I have to assume full responsibility for almost everything around me.
I’m only human and I make all kinds of mistakes. I see all kinds of things, that may or may not affect me. I sometimes act when I shouldn’t or keep still when I really should be doing something, anything. My thoughts and feelings seem to have a life of their own in many cases. But closing my eyes about this would be the biggest of mistakes. I must get out of that womb and try to know, feel, live, and this is the long, everlasting fight of the wannabe-individual against innocence.